The Wellness Antidote (Humor)

1. Productivity, Relaxation, Sleep
   ____1. I enjoy goofing off.
   ____2. I seldom go to bed before passing out.
   ____3. My bed is a least two feet off the floor.
   ____4. I rarely bite or pick my nose.
   ____5. My room is bolted down to prevent spinning.
   A Bonus Point for Strangers
   ____6. Although not centered, I usually try to stay within the outer limits.
   ____ TOTAL
2. Personal Care and Home Safety
   ____1. I smoke only during and immediately after sex.
   ____2. I regularly check my sex.
   ____3. I keep an up-to-date record of all germs in the house.
   ____4. I wash my hands in the toilet before handling food.
   ____5. I avoid nuclear explosion like the plague.
   Bonus Point for Women
   ____6. I keep my pap covered in cold water.
   ____ TOTAL
3. Nutritional Awareness
   ____1. I drink beer instead of water because it’s less polluted.
   ____2. I salt only spoiled food.
   ____3. I eat labels on packages rather than the contents.
   ____4. I know the basic types of alcohol and try to keep an ample stock of each.
   ____5. I avoid eating large quantities of wood pulp.
   ____ TOTAL
4. Environmental Awareness
   ____1. I recycle my septic system by using it to wash my windows.
   ____2. I set my thermostat on the windowsill before going to bed.
   ____3. My car burns less than 3 gallons of oil per 100 miles.
   ____4. I throw bums into the dumpster.
   ____5. I use public showers and eat at the "Y".
   ____ TOTAL
5. Physical Activity
   ____1. I jump off buildings rather than use the stairs.
   ____2. I kick doors down instead of opening them.
   ____3. I participate in orgies every week.
   ____4. I yodel at least 20 minutes 4 times a day.
   ____5. I jog to the liquor store.
   ____ TOTAL
6. Emotional Maturity and Expression of Feelings
   ____1. I am frequently sober enough to think.
   ____2. I am able to punch people out without taking it personally.
   ____3. I am frequently nice to idiots and don’t hesitate to use that word.
   ____4. I prefer to get money, but still accept compliments.
   ____5. I would seek help from friends if I had any.
   ____ TOTAL
7. Community Involvement
   ____1. I vote early and often at each election.
   ____2. If I saw a broken kid in the street, I would put him out of his misery.
   ____3. I know who my neighbors are and swear at most of them.
   ____4. I love my neighbor’s wife.
   ____5. I am a member of one or more subversive organizations.
   ____ TOTAL
8. Creativity, Self-Expression
   ____1. I enjoy expressing myself. Period.
   ____2. I like myself because I’m so irresistible.
   ____3. I enjoy being touched by my hamster.
   ____4. I am emotionally close to at least five hamsters.
   ____5. I enjoy spending time doing just about anything with Farah Fawcett.
   ____ TOTAL
9. Automobile Safety
   ____1. I know what a car looks like.
   ____2. I do not mind spending $4.50 a quart for oil.
   ____3. I drive on the road usually.
   ____4. I check my dome light frequently.
   ____5. I carry an emergency fifth at all times.
   ____ TOTAL
10. Parenting
    ____1. I allow my kids to play with the fan belt only while the car is idling.
    ____2. I use what is left over from washing the windows to prepare baby food – its’ really organic.
    ____3. I frequently beat the little bastards.
    ____4. I do not store loaded shotguns in the crib.
    ____5. I do not allow my child over 50 lbs. to eat
    ____ TOTAL

Facts & Tips

Books